Bursting and bubbling

Periodically throughout the day, I have this very weird sensation of being nearly overwhelmed by emotion. I'm not sure exactly which emotion--whether it's happiness, sadness, anticipation, worry, the list goes on--but it fills me up and I feel like I'm going to explode with it. Right now, I'm feeling impatient about getting through this workday, going home, wrapping up my last few presents, loading them in the car, eating dinner, going to bed, then going to work tomorrow, wrapping some stuff up, doing a home visit, then hitting the road. Each thing I do I rush through so I can do something else.

I love Christmas and all that comes with it (except the unhealthy food) but all I'm excited about is seeing my family. Then I just want to get back to my normal routine!!

thoughts and theories

It's no secret that I have a wide variety of interests. I mean, heck, just look at the list on my facebook profile. Just do it. It's cool, I'll still be here when you get back.


..you back? You didn't actually look. Gah, what are you good for?

Anyways, it's also no big secret that I'm not on-task at work 100% of the time. I have little research projects that I like to do throughout the day. In the past month or so, I've learned so much about personal fitness and nutrition. I know just enough to be dangerous. But it's totally fun, because I've gained 2.5 pounds in the past 3 weeks, and I'm convinced it's muscle. My shoulders look bigger, chest looks wider, I've grown a pair of horns, and now I'm 6'3" tall. Two of those statements are true.

Wikipedia and I have become very closely acquainted. The other day, I got to thinking about something James said to me the other night about my skin looking yellow. Now, I know I don't hae jaundice, and my kidneys are working fine as far as I know, so I did a little research into yellowish skin. As it turns out, I have a skin color known as "olive," which is common to people near the Mediterranean and the southern parts of Germany. When olive-skinned people don't get much sunlight, their skin takes on a dull yellowish color with a greenish cast. Sexy, no? But I compared my skin to some scale by Von Laschlon or something else that sounds like a sneeze and I match the "olive" or "Mediterranean" skin type. I thought it was pretty cool.

Oh, and I did a little research into the origin of my family name. As it turns out, it's either derived from the German name "Futch," it's derived from the old French "vautre," or "hunter," or it's a dirty slang term from French ("foutre") that has to do with the act of lovemaking. I'm hoping it's the second one, because the idea of coming from a clan of hunters that crossed over to England with William the Conquerer is way cooler than thinking I have the namesake of an explitive.

Once again, I have to just say that I'm one of the most blessed people I know! I have so many awesome people and things in my life right now. Woohoo!

sighs and smiles

Feeling much better this week. Not sure why I was so moody last week, but I had a few pleasant surprises that really turned me around. I have the most amazing people in my life. I'm truly the luckiest guy in the world... or pretty darn close.

It's funny sometimes how sometimes, you look into your past, and when you catch a glimpse of it in the crowd of your memories, the guy has grown a beard and you don't recognize him at all.

That's a metaphor, in case you need an assist there.

Although I have in fact grown a beard. But I'm not a metaphor. I'm a man. With a beard. A literal beard.

...this is going nowhere.

Fidgets and Freaks

Today, I can definitely tell that I'm not at my best. I started having a mini anxiety attack on the way to work this morning. It's just about money.. not that big a deal. I just keep remembering all these expenses I'm going to have. I still have to buy wrapping paper, bows, gift tags, a gift for our gift-exchange at home, money for four nieces and nephews (I forgot til just now that I've already gotten gifts for the other five, thank God), plus supplies to make food for the Christmas party at work and at home. UGH. Money is really tight right now. Most of it is definitely my own fault, being selfish and buying things I didn't need, but wanted. But I guess I'll just have to figure things out.

Also, kind of stressed about work. I know it's the nature of my job, but it's like at least one of my clients has to be in crisis at any given time. I had a nice couple of weeks, but now the proverbial S is hitting the fan.

Ooouuuuugggh.

Feelings and Fears

Let me just put it out there: I hate winter. It's not the snow or the cold, although I could definitely live without the temperature falling below 60. I think it's the light--or rather, the lack thereof--that bothers me. It's cloudy on most days, and by the time I'm off work, the sun is setting or has set. I miss having warm sunshine on my skin. I would love it if Christmas was in the summer. Wasn't Jesus supposedly born in the summer? Let's work on fixing those calendars, okay?

It's usually during the winter and early spring that I start feeling all yucky on the inside. It makes me too introspective. I start having all these negative thoughts and feelings. I start thinking that nothing I do is good enough, that I'm a failure and I'll never amount to anything, my family is going to stop being proud of me, I'll be alone, and I'll never be satisfied with anything in my life. Honestly, if I wasn't on Lexapro right now, I'd probably be a basket case. I definitely was last winter.

I have a lot of good things going on in my life right now. And I have to keep reminding myself of that. Going to the gym makes me feel good and I love my job. I have good people in my life and I need to stop feeling like they're going to abandon me.

In slightly better news, I got my measurements at the gym. Compared them to January. I had some small games and losses in most areas, but I lost 3 inches in my waist and gained 2.5 inches in my shoulders. Pretty happy with that. I'm trying to gain muscle now, so I'm scarfing down calories like it's my job.

shortsweet

I just have to say... I love my life right now. I'm really happy. It's been a while since I've felt this good for such a long time. I've had a couple of not-so-good days, but mostly it was just a waking up on the wrong side of the bed thing. Everything in my life rocks. I just can't believe it. I feel so blessed and lucky.

The Smaller Things

Although I spent most of the weekend lounging and doing fun, non-taxing things, I apparently brought work home with me. One of my new cases has been on my mind, because I feel really bad for the foster mom. I feel bad for the kid too, because it's a bad fit between the mom's skills and assets the child's needs. I have all this empathy and compassion for people, and all it does is make me feel yucky when I know they're feeling bad.

So today, having had a pretty good day, I'm trying to focus on small things that give me pleasure. For example, the taste of the celery and cauliflower in my salad, having someone great to talk to on the phone, renting a cheesy horror movie from Redbox, and wearing pajama pants and a sweatshirt. It helps me recharge my tired heart and head.

This is relevant to my interests

I was reading through my friend James' blog, and he wrote 20 things that interest him. I guess it's sort of a list of things he enjoys/is interested in. So, here's my narcissistic contribution to the interwebz/blogosphere.

1. Going to the gym
2. Mental health research
3. Cultural anthropology
4. Text messaging
5. iPod Touch (it's seriously amazing)
6. Punk/indie/rock music
7. Nutrition science
8. Anagrams
9. ADHD
10. Facebook
11. Wine and beer
12. Asking "why" questions about food, like, "why aren't there more blue foods?"
13. Introspection
14. Pharmaceuticals
15. Cute, furry animals like cats, rabbits, ferrets, and mice
16. Lucid dreaming
17. Robotics and prosthetics
18. Video games
19. Checking my email
20. Trees

And these are a few of my fav-o-rite things.

Space and Time

Well well well. I've had such a busy month, I haven't had time to update this blog. So, I'll just give a quick recap of the last month:

• I had a very important conversation with my parents that went really well, and really improved the quality of our relationship. It was great.
• I've had many, many visitors! Rachel, Sheloa and Jamie came up for a weekend and we had a blast doing anything and everything, including eating lasagna at 4 AM and drinking absinthe.
• Amanda, Adam and Aiden came to visit me and we went to the Renaissance Festival! It was bitter, bitter cold, but it was so much fun. The turkey legs, bread bowls of soup, warm mead and performers were great, as well as window shopping in all the stalls.
• I went home one weekend and helped my grandma buy a (really cool) computer. I also visited with Denham and Julie, and went to a Halloween party with Amanda, Adam and Aiden. Loads of fun!
• Denham and Julie came up last weekend for Halloween and we had a ball. We went out and enjoyed what the Cinci Metro Area has to offer, including going to a Halloween party at Andy's, eating at Claddaugh's, and going to the USS Nightmare. Oh, and Julie got to meet Beyonce. Not the real one, but pretty darn close.
• I have been at my job for 8 months now. I got my 6-month review, and got Satisfactory or above in all categories. Yippee! I also got an award a LEADER award for enthusiasm, which included a gift card. :) I really love my job. Even though I'm having to pay lots of money for breaking my contract to the state of Kentucky, it's all worth it to work for such an amazing organization with such awesome people.
  
• I bought Dragon Age for the 360 and I'm super excited about it. It's awesome!
• I've continued with my exercise routine, although I've kind of trailed off a bit. But my body fat % has not exceeded 10%, so I'm happy with that!

That's really all. I was supposed to be going to an adoption fair today to advertise for Holly Hill, but the event was cancelled... so here I am on the couch, playing Dragon Age. My life pretty much rocks. :D

Enlightened and Empowered

So, life after a diagnosis and prescription has been interesting. I'm learning so much about ADHD and how it affects literally every aspect of a person's life. It's not just attention or spazziness... there are so many layers and variances and nuances in this disorder. I'm reading "You Mean I'm Not Lazy, Stupid or Crazy?" and it answers so many questions I didn't even know I had. I even have my own fun little label: an ADDult. :D

Taking the Adderall has helped. I feel more focused and motivated and clear-headed. Less static and chatter inside my head. The side effects aren't bad at all, either. It's disrupted my sleep cycle a little bit, but I'm getting the hang of it. The first day was a little rough. I got a headache, but at the same time I felt more in control of my own mind than I ever have. Now that my body is adjusting to the medication, I'm thinking I might need a slightly higher dose (I'm on one of the lowest prescribed doses) but for now everything's easy-peasy. I even cleaned up my desk a little. My supervisor said she was impressed.

Speaking of, I got my work evaluation today. It was mostly Meets Expectations, with a few Exceeds Expectations and one Outstanding. Boss lady says in my next evaluation, I'll have a lot more "Exceeds". I told her that was my goal.

Overall, I'm loving my job. I feel so blessed to have stumbled into such an amazing opportunity with such kind, smart, dedicated and fun people to work with. It's stressful at times, but I definitely don't go home worrying about my job anymore. I don't even mind the overtime.. mostly because I can flex my schedule, which is such a sweet deal. Granted, I'm making a little less than what I hoped, but money isn't even half of everything.

My life is headed in great directions right now. I've reached a new, positive point in my relationship with my parents that I have only, up to this point, dreamed about and hoped for. I'm starting to make roots here in NKY/Cincinnati... and although I miss my friends who are far away, there's a saying written on a piece of card stock in a picture frame mounted in my bedroom: "The road to a friend's house is never long."

Signed and Stamped

So, had my second appointment with Dr. Heck today.

As it turns out, I have a mild case of ADHD. As if I didn't know that... but it's nice to have it on paper. So, I bought a book about adult ADHD today and I plan to read it soon.

...I also bought Volumes 2-4 of the Buffy Season 8 comics. I'm a total nerdball and I love it.

Followup and Followthrough

So I went to my appointment with Dr. Heck. We went through a battery of tests... at the end, he says,

"Well, I don't really know what to do with you. The thing is, you're so bright. You do have some signs of ADHD, but these tests aren't really measuring you the way they're supposed to."

Great, so I'm too smart. But he gave me a take-home test and I have another appointment on the 22nd.

I had a fantastic time this weekend. If only I could put it on repeat.

And! Despite the fact I haven't been to the gym in a couple weeks, when I went back today, I measured my body fat percentage again. I'm ringing in at 7.1%! Woohoo!

Stimulate and Substantiate

Tomorrow is my first appointment with Dr. Heck. I'm going to be assessed for ADHD.

Everyone assumes that I don't have it. I've been successful so far, haven't I?

I think if anyone spent any time inside my head, they'd run away screaming. It's like 25 TV's are turned on inside my head, all at the same time, all on different channels.

My thoughts bounce all over the place like a rubber ball in a tiny box being shaken by an angry child.

My desk is a mess. I have no organizational skills. I forget appointments. I'm constantly running late. I procrastinate with everything.

I always made it through school one way or another.. understanding and lenient teachers and otherwise excellent work helped my grades stay up. But my resources and ability to compensate aren't matching up to the demands of my job and my life anymore.

I just wish I could get someone to understand what it's like inside my brain.

I guess that's why I'm going to see Dr. Heck tomorrow. Maybe it's ADHD that has been at the root of all my low self-esteem and depression all along.

habits and hobbies

I go to the gym pretty frequently. 3, 4, 5 times a week. When I go to the gym, there are several people who look familiar to me because I've seen them there several times. There are a few people whose names I even know. Then, there are a few people who I remember because.. well.. they're just unique. There's Old Commando, who doesn't wear underwear (shudder), there's the gay Hispanic man who has a red and black mohawk and stretches in the sauna in his teeny-tiny underwear, there's the very athletic guy with the robotic leg, the guy who looks like Paulie Bleeker from Juno... it goes on and on.

Then, I start to think--am I one of those "unique" people that gets remembered for his strangeness? I am pretty strange. I go to the gym wearing t-shirts from bands that probably no one there has heard of (I'm such a hipster). But I think my real sticking point is my behavior on the elliptical machine. See, I hate cardio exercise in its various forms. I hate running. I hate biking. I hate swimming. But put me on the elliptical and I'll burn 700 calories before you can bake a casserole containing that many. I have some pretty bizarre behaviors on the elliptical though. I spend about 80% of the time on there with my eyes closed. I lip-sync all the music that plays on my iPod. And I don't mean I just kind of murmur the words... I really belt it out on mute. I put on a serious concert performance on an Ashlee Simpson scale of lip-syncing awesomeness. I also kind of... snarl at my reflection in the TV that's part of the elliptical machine. I grin and snarl and leer at myself. It's really kind of freaky. I look kind of like a singing werewolf.

And that's the image I'll leave you with: a werewolf singing along with Panic at the Disco.

it's February in my brain.

I wish I had words to describe the feeling in my body and mind. It just feels like.. "smoo." Not a delicious treat from The Big Apple, but just a pathetic, blah, yucky word. Smoo.

Beyond that.. I went home last weekend and saw Adam, Amanda and Aiden, aka Iron Man. It was great to meet Aiden, especially since he was being a little snot and kept changing his mind about when he was being born. I got to see Denham and Julie as well, and Jamie and Jeff too. It was a nice weekend.

Work is kinda stressful right now. Getting new clients always wears me out, especially during school, because the school systems are very uncooperative about transferring records and admitting my clients as students. I want to punch the schools in their throats.

Okay, I came up with a word. "Poopy."

Hearts of Hoodlums

Work has been tiresome lately. I'm trying to get two kids enrolled at school--two kids who actually want to go to school--but the school systems are being completely ridiculous. Completely annoying. Ugh.

I'm making banana ice cream for my boss MaryClare. Her birthday is Saturday and she requested it. She's an awesome boss. If she had asked for something I had no idea how to make, I would have figured it out. I love having a great boss and a great coworker on my team. :) They're both amazing.

Oh! And two of my best friends in the world are welcoming their long-awaited child into the world tomorrow! I can't wait to see them!

Wonderworld

I feel superb.

My life is pretty wonderful right now. Every day, I feel like I can take invenory of all the magnificent things that are occurring in my life. I love my job and I love what I'm doing. I don't think I want to be there forever, but for now I'm doing exactly what I got my degree to do: help people. I'm helping kids get their lives back together, and helping create, unite, and re-unite families. A lot of it is paperwork, but after I had my first adoption finalized, it was like a beam of sunlight illuminating my soul. For at least that day, I felt like my life's path was shown to me. Every day I think of something new I want to do to contribute to the betterment of the world. I feel like I'm bursting with thoughts and plans. I don't have the means right now, but I am not going to get so bogged down in the everyday mundane activities of "life" that I lose sight of my dream. I want a better place, and I want to help build it.

For the first time in a long time, I feel good about my life. I'm starting to get in really good shape. It's a long process, and I'm definitely not going to be running any marathons soon, but my body is changing in a positive way. I'm excited to see where I'll be by Halloween and Christmas.

Speaking of Christmas, instead of giving gifts this year, our family is taking a Caribbean cruise. I could not be more excited about the holidays. I feel like now that I'm an adult I appreciate them so much more than I ever have.

I am also very excited about the great things happening for my friends. Two of my best friends in the world are having babies, and I couldn't be happier for them. They'll be having their babies within a month, and I can't wait to meet Aiden and Sam. Very very very happy about so much.

Words of wisdom

My fortune cookie today said: "You are often unaware of the effect you have on others."

Not to sound like a completely self-involved douchebag, but I think that's true.

The feel-goods

I'm glad I have someone to play video games, eat pizza, and drink beer with. It's pretty fantastic.

chemical calibration

It's stupid and funny at the same time. I swore off Lexapro two years ago, yet this morning I caught myself thinking: these pills have saved my life. Not in the sense that I'd be dead without them, but I just wouldn't have a life. At least not one that I enjoy. I have felt honest-to-God happiness since starting Lexapro again. I'm really myself again. It's taken a hell of a long time to get here, but I'm back. I love my job, and I'm starting to love my life here in the 'Nati. It could be better--my friends from home being here would be an improvement--but I'm okay. And I wasn't sure I'd ever be there again.

Long story short, I ain't the flavor of the week--I'm in the hall of famers.

Translation: I rock.

i'm with the band

If I had my own punk band, the names of my first two singles would be:

"There's a Reason 'Ballerina' starts with 'Baller'"
and
"Teenage Heartthrob or Pedophile Chaperone at the Prom"

What a freakin' day!

It's one of those days where you ask yourself, "What else can go wrong?" But God punishes us for what we can't imagine, and that pretty much sums up the day I had.

First, I got up early and worked out, thinking, "Oh, how wonderful, I have until 9:00 to get ready for my client's adoption hearing, since it's not til 9:45. Ho ho, ha ha, hee hee." So, as I get out of the shower, I get a text message from Bree: "Which floor is the adoption on?" I responded I didn't know, because I had tried to get that information from the courthouse earlier, but they couldn't release it to me because it's confidential.. bah, and asked if it was at 9:45. I started to get this feeling I couldn't quite describe, unless I used the words "mortal dread." Surely it wasn't at 8:45... right? I get another text message from Bree: "We're all here at the courthouse." WTF OMG AGGGHHHHH

So I jump into some clothes, not even bothering to brush my teeth, take my medicine or put on a belt--just straight out the door. All the way to Covington, I'm cursing and pounding on my steering wheel, but apparently through my pounding I found some frequency that manages to change all the traffic lights in my path RED. Naturally. So I finally get to the courthouse parking garage, and have to ascend to the top of the Tower of Babel Parking, then I made a mad dash down 5 flights of stairs, taking them two or three at a time. Then, I hit the sidewalk and start running. I'm not talking Forrest Gump here. I'm talking Tyson Gay Olympic-style sprint. I was also carrying two brightly colored gift bags, which only contributed to how freaking awesome I looked. So I turn into The Flash and speed through the courthouse and get into the courtroom just as the judge takes the bench. Freaking sweet. The adoption went off without a hitch, and there were sniffles and smiles and hugs and puppies.

So, I beat it out to the office so I can print out some forms, then turn around to pick up one of my clients for a visit. I pass highway 1996, and a cop starts to pass me... then slows down, brakes, pulls behind me and turns on his flashers. Awesome. I pull over, and he proceeds to berate me about my expired registration. I play the "meek as a little mouse" card, and he lets me off with a written warning. So, I call the vehicle registration office and cleared up the whole reason I hadn't renewed my registration: I didn't know which county to go to (my home county where I was registered last year and which sent me a notification card, or my county of residence as of this year) and because I couldn't find my old registration. I pick up my client, easy-peasy, we have lunch. On the way back, I turn onto 3-L... and I get pulled over AGAIN!! By this time, the whole thing is just too funny, so when the officer comes up to the window, I politely show him I already have ONE written warning this afternoon, I really don't need any more encouragement to renew my registration. So he goes back to his car for about a fortnight or so, then returns with a piece of paper. It's a freaking COURT SUMMONS. He tells me that if I don't get my registration renewed TODAY I'll have to go to court. Flipping awesome. I drop my client off at home, and dash to Newport for my new registration.

...then I get pulled over AGAIN! Okay, kidding on that one, but I wouldn't have been surprised. I felt like I was being racially profiled for being a white male. So I get my registration and hand over my citation to the clerk, just like I was told by the nice officer.. and she's like, "Uh, what is this? No, we don't do that here. You need to take it to district court, over on Monmouth." Non non Nannette, I got this ticket in KENTON county. "Oh, well take it to district court in Covington." Do you, perchance, know where that is? "Uh, it's over there sort of around Court Street, I think."

Great. Awesome.

So I pull up to what I -thought- was the district court office, and locate the vehicular registration office. Perhaps this is where I want to go? I talk to the nice lady, who says I need to go to the second floor of the Judicial Building, which is a block over. Except I am directionally-challenged, and I end up walking about the equivalent of 3 blocks before I find the entrance. I go to the second floor, and the nice lady says go to the third floor. Beautiful. I tromp my way up to the third floor to an office that sounds pretty menacing on the sign. Something like, "The Kenton County Department of Serious and Heinous Criminal Offenses that Stay on Your Record For All Eternity." Oh noes. I finally get called up to the desk and hand the pretty girl my citation, my registration, explain the situation.. and she makes a copy of the citation, hands me back my stuff, and tells me in a foreign accent--maybe Russian or Eastern European--that everything is taken care of.

Thank GOD.

I went to the gym, where I proceeded to have a perplexing discussion with my personal trainer that ended with a declaration that from now on, we'll be doing free weight sessions, and I really need to "push myself harder." Which translates into I will be a broken man by Wednesday at 6:30.

Now I just want to crash and not think about the vaccuuming, dusting, wiping, sweeping and straightening up that needs to get done before my company (Jason plus ??) gets here this weekend. If they come. Judging from the way this week is starting out, I'm thinking I won't have to worry about my apartment looking nice for visitors.

Oh, and I have a cold/allergies.

Negative Nancy, signing out.

yum yum

For all you foodies out there, check out Ree Drummond's website. "The Pioneer Woman Cooks" has some great recipes that are simple and delicious! Even I can make this stuff! I'm making a few dishes from her website this week and I can't WAIT to chow down.

ups and downs

My YES! moment of the day: I'm taking one of my clients to see Harry Potter for her birthday, and I'm totally getting paid to see a movie. Rock on. Oh! And I'm the "Resident Spotlight" for my apartment complex in the newsletter next month!

My NO! moment of the day: I unpeeled my banana this morning, and it broke in half because halfway down it was completely black and rotten. Fort Wright Wal-Mart gets a huge thumbs-down! All of their produce was completely picked-over and they were out of stock on tons of stuff. Screw you guys, I'm going to Alexandria from now on.

Memories and Motivation

My trip home this weekend was great. I was so busy, I felt like a one-legged frog in a hopping contest. Some notable moments include: venus fly traps, CHURCH CAMP!, Dr. Jennifer Taylor, shrimp boil, burning the ice cream, bar stools and baby showers (I'm watching you, Granny Lois). It was great getting to spend time with my friends, especially those I haven't seen in a long time.

I have a new motivation! We're going on a family cruise for Christmas, so I need to get my fitness on and really get in shape before I hit the high seas!

so what?

My medication is going well. Lexapro and Vistaril, although they made me super-sleepy at first, have been a God-send. I can laugh and smile and not be a complete worrywart all the time. It's nice, living like a semi-normal person.

In other news, one of my favorite things is being irresponsible. Being a bad boy is hard work for me, but it's entertaining if nothing else. It's like playing a great part in a really fun play.

I had a great weekend. I only wish there could be about 4 Fridays and Saturdays in a weekend.

I bought 3 things this weekend: an inflatable bed, an ice cream maker, and True Blood season one. My life is pretty much amazing.

Full Circle

Well, I'm back on Lexapro and Vistaril. The two medicines I started out on when I first took mood-altering medictions. I always thought I would never come back to them. Yet here I am, feeling pretty doped up after my first Lexapro in a year and a half. I hope it's all worth it.

backtrack

I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow to discuss my medication. I hate feeling as anxious as I do all the time.. something's gotta give. I've just about decided that I'll give Lexapro another try. I know I bitched and moaned about it forever, but for two years it worked well for me. I gained weight from it, but maybe if I try really hard to monitor my diet, I'll be okay.

In other news, one of my new clients drives me up the wall.

In other other news, my mom, sister and grandma are coming to visit this weekend. I'm definitely ready for that. I would really like to stay home from work today so I can clean, but no dice. I gotta pay the bills.

five by five

I didn't take the Zoloft last night. Today, I feel pretty good. Not all panicky and made out of barbed wire and broken glass. I'm not taking this crap anymore. Going to see the doctor (hopefully tomorrow) to get this straightened out.

My innards are all in a twist

So.. if you know me, you know I've gone back and forth with antidepressants for the past few years. Prozac, Lexapro, Wellbutrin... well, I've tried out a new one: Zoloft. I don't remember why I quit Prozac, but I quit Lexapro because it caused me to gain a ton of weight and I felt like I was developing a tolerance to it. Wellbutrin was good in that it helped me lose that weight, but it also made me a nervous, emotional wreck. Brett can testify to that. I quit Wellbutrin after a while, and took a break. In February, I decided to try something new: Zoloft. When I first took it, it made me feel AWFUL. I felt drawn up inside myself, and I was jittery, sweaty and just felt bad. The word for it is "malaise." I decided I would just try to live without it. At the beginning of this month, I thought I would give it a try again, seeing as I still had the bottle of pills with only a couple missing. The last couple of weeks have been strange. I love my job, I really truly do, but for some reason, I feel so anxious about going to work. Once I get there I'm fine, but it's like I'm hyper-focused on everything I'm supposed to be doing and haven't gotten done. Then I get so stressed out from being so anxious that I just shut down at work, and can't get anything done. The only things I want to do anymore are sit at home and read, and go to the gym. When I'm at the gym, the only thing I think about is making it through my workout. Everything else just falls away. So, I'll stick out this "trial period" that I was supposed to do with the Zoloft, and see if I feel better. If not, I'm going back to the doc and try something new. I just can't do the Lexapro thing again and gain back 20 pounds. I've made a lot of progress on my body and fitness goals, and I won't be set back again. Then again, when I was on Lexapro, I never felt like I have ever since I stopped taking it: nervous, panicky, and reclusive. So.. yeah. I guess it's time for something new. I might go back on the anti-anxiety stuff I was taking in '05--Vistaril. It seemed to help with the anxiety attacks, too.

Take a sick day!

I was at work, listening to my boss talking to one of our foster parents, and my coworker Bree who sits across from me asks, "Nathan, are you okay?" I didn't feel too great, but I figured it was a momentary thing. Next thing I know, I break out in a full-body cold sweat and I feel like I'm about to hurl. I put my head down and start taking slow, deep breaths to keep from vomiting, and Bree tells me to go home, because I "look awful." I told them I'd be fine in a few minutes, but they sent me home (as much out of fear of contagious disease as for my own wellbeing). I looked in the mirror on the way home, and I'm whiter than Michael Jackson, which is saying something because I'm typically pretty brown. When I got home and changed, my clothes smelled like fever-sweat. Yuck.

I'm not sure where this sudden plague of feeling bad came from, but I feel mostly better now. I guess I'll take it easy today. It's just so bizarre.. it was like, one second I was fine, the next I can barely keep my breakfast down. I didn't eat anything weird or bad this morning--my usual cereal, banana, apple, and yogurt. My vitamins make me nauseous sometimes, but usually it's right after (within 10-20 minutes) I take them, and usually only when I've only had a really small breakfast. I had a decent breakfast, and this was nearly 2 hours afterward. It's also never been this intense. So, I don't know what's going on with my body, but I'll just enjoy my sick day off.

in the sunshine

Life is strangely good right now. On the up-and-up. I'm starting to fall into a sort of pattern here in NKY. I like my job, I'm making a few friends (sort of), and everything seems to be working out. I never thought it would, but it is. It's crazy to think I've been here for 7 months now. I'm going to be okay.

... also, either there is something wrong with my TV, or I'm seriously TRIPPING.

Notable Notes

I just have a few things...

First, I really love my job. A ton.
There are interesting things going on in my life...
I think David Boreanaz would be cool to know personally.
I kind of wish I was a superhero.

Cincinnati is weird central.

Here is evidence that I live on or near a Hellmouth:
Seriously, Cincinnati attracts and/or is the cause of strange occurrences.

I'm just waiting to read about some deaths involving "neck injuries," and it'll be 100% certainty.

Long time gone.

I know I haven't blogged in a long time.
Long story short: my trip to Florida was freaking incredible.
It has been hard to catch up on everything at work.
I'm looking forward to this weekend big time.
Certain people are on my mind a lot more than they should be.
I have not watched American Idol all season, but I'm watching the finale tonight. It's very entertaining.
I made the most delicious chicken burritos tonight, and you should be completely jealous of me eating them.

OH OH and Dollhouse got renewed for another season! Rock the hell on!

Salty.Sweet.Sour

Today I am feeling bitter!
But I just spent way too much money, so that helps a little bit. A little shop therapy.
It's sad when the thing I'm looking forward to most in the next few days is work.

Shimmies and Shakes

My life is definitely interesting. It has taken some intriguing twists and turns as of late.

I am so so so ready for my Florida vacation. I leave on the 26th for West Palm Beach, and I return on the 3rd (I think). Although if I had my way about it, I would return on May 3rd of 2020, or so. There is so much fun and relaxation to be had. I'm no longer at a point in my life where I feel I "need" a vacation, but I want it.

So, I had an amazing weekend at home. I got to see my family, which is always nice. Mom and I ate a pint of Graeter's Caramel ice cream by ourselves on Friday night. Then I spent all day Saturday with Adam and Amanda and had so much fun! It was so great seeing them. The drive-in cheeseburgers were a huge added bonus. I will have to have at least another one before the summer is over (hopefully with a movie included!). And we watched SNL. The guest star was Zac Efron. He actually was not bad at all. I'm pretty critical of these up-and-rising teen stars, but I approve of him. Sunday, we had Easter lunch at Mom and Dad's. The food was phenomenal, and I ate my first-ever deviled egg. I have to say, it was decent. Way better than I expected. Then I hid Easter eggs for the kids. It was so much fun watching them hunt for them! I love my nieces and nephews to death.

That's really all I have to say! Life is good. Still loving the job. Going in late tomorrow morning because I worked nearly 12 hours today.

Queries and Quandaries

Sometimes I wonder if I would be happier if everything went back to the way it was.
NKY is fun because nobody knows me here.
But it's also sad because I don't really know myself, either.

Vibrations and Vortexes

I just got home from a training at Cincinnati Children's Hospital about disruptive behaviors in teenagers. We discussed ADHD, Oppositional Defiant Disorder and Conduct Disorder. It was extremely enlightening and educational. The part I found most useful was the ADHD section. Mostly because sometimes, I think I might have ADHD. One woman said this: "My son has ADHD. One day he told me, 'Mom, I wish I could put you inside my head for one day. My head is like a merry-go-round. When I'm on my medicine, everything is still and I can focus. But when I'm not, everything's spinning around too fast.'" That really spoke to me, because that's how I feel almost all the time. I feel like my brain is revved up too fast. I can't focus on what people are saying because I'm always rushing to the end of their sentence so I can finish it in my head. Sometimes I finish it out loud, which is so so rude. I can't talk half the time because my words get all jumbled up in my head and I can't get them out in an order that makes sense--so I don't say them at all. At work, I'm sitting at my desk, begging for a reason to get up and move. I bounce my leg all day, cross and re-cross my legs, tap my fingers, tap my ink pens, tap tap tap tap tap. I'm so forgetful. I've forgotten to bring things to my foster parents that I promised them. Twice. My paper files? Completely disorganized. That's why I like the computer--so much easier to organize things. Plus, I can do three or four things on the computer at the same time. I can check and respond to my emails, type up progress notes, re-organize my client files and play Solitaire or TextTwist at the same time. I've been able to cope with it, apparently--I mean, I graduated with a 3.35, which isn't stellar but it's not shabby, either.

I'm probably over-reacting, but I have been thinking about it for a while. It couldn't hurt to get screened for ADHD sometime. And even if I did have it, what would I do? Would I get medication? Maybe. Just to see what it's like when the merry-go-round stops.

seriously (redux).

Oh. My. God.

I apparently never learned this skill, so how do you deflect people who are aggressively trying to be your friend? I tried being a friend to these two people, but after a couple months, I have realized that they are completely annoying. It's not like me to feel this way, but a guy can only take so much repetitive texting and constant Facebook IMs. And I can only turn down so many invitations to hang out. No, I don't want to. I don't have the extra money or time or patience for you. I will spend that money and time for people who mean something to me, but I barely know you. Leave me alone.

Ugh! I'm such a lame-o-saurus because I don't know how to turn people away. I just deal with it for the time being, then complain about it on my blog. If I had super powers, I would probably teleport these people to.. gosh, I don't know, somewhere random like Reykjavik or the Falkland Islands or Truth or Consequences. And I would take away their cell phones and computers. And teleport them into the sun.

One night, and one more time

Work and life are still going good. Friday was the first bad(ish) day I've had. I was really confused about a lot of stuff I had to do, and I didn't feel good. By the end of the day I felt fine though. This weekend I had planned on getting a tattoo to cover up my stars tat, but the parlor was all booked up today, and the guy there told me my idea wouldn't really work well for the cover-up.. so I'm back to the drawing board. Eh, oh well. That's kind of a frivolous expense right now.

So, Amanda gave me the last Fall Out Boy cd.. I am loving to a ridiculous extent. People can say what they want about them, they're "posers" or "whiny emo kids," but in the end, it's about how the music makes you feel, and the music makes me feel AWESOME.

In addition to Cheez-Its, I have discovered I have an addiction to mac'n'cheese with chicken and salsa or Rotel in it. YUM. I could probably eat it once a week.

I don't know anything interesting these days.

To and fro, hither and thither

It's funny. I started this blog in anticipation of having a long job-search process. I thought, "It would be cool to chronicle my job search, because when I finally do get a job I can look back and admire the process and progress." Of course, life threw me a curveball and gave me a job even before I had quit the last one. Kudos, life. You rock. I'm thoroughly enjoying my new job. There's a lot to learn and a lot to keep up with, but I feel like it's all working out for the best, even though my paycheck is a little smaller.

I came home to Mayfield this weekend, and it's been great every single minute. I had dinner with Mom at Los Amigos on Friday, lunch with Grandma at Hill's on Saturday (GOD I missed me some good barbecue!), drove Mom to Paducah Saturday afternoon, then hung out with Denham and his girl on Saturday night. And this afternoon I'm going over to Adam and Amanda's for lunch/dinner, yeah!!. It's been great. The best part? I don't have that awful, sick, sinking feeling of dread about it being Sunday that I used to have. It's amazing how much better I feel about life.

Also, I've been doing a little planning! VACATION planning, that is. I'm taking a trip down to Florida the last week of April with Kelly and Rachel. The more strategizing and discount-hunting I do for this vacation, the more excited about it I get. It'll be so nice to just relax for once!

Let's just sum this up. Life is good good good, great great great.

seriously.

Some people in my life (or trying to insert themselves into it) are just so annoying! GOD!!!

le jour premiere

So.. today was my first day at Holly Hill. I have to say I really liked it! It FLEW by. I have 9 kids on my caseload.. and apparently we're only allowed to have 12. Um, 12!? That's amazing. I'm so freaking happy about that. Plus I've been talking to my boss about how to recruit new foster parents.. I tossed some ideas to her today and she seemed pretty impressed. So either she has low standards, or I had a great first day. :D

New Beginnings

Tomorrow is my first day at my new job. I ironed my shirts (found out that two of them I just bought are either permanently stained or ripped), cooked myself a nice dinner, got out my paperwork for my I-9, and took a nap. In.. the reverse order of that. Tomorrow morning I'm going to get up, cook myself a nice breakfast, clean up my car a little bit, pack a gym bag, and head out for new frontiers. I'm excited about this new chapter, and a little nervous, but I think everything will be okay. It's just a matter of remaining confident and positive. I really want to throw myself into this job and learn how to be good at it, which is pretty much the opposite of how I felt for DCBS.

I have been hungry like CRAZY lately. I ate 4 whole meals yesterday. I mean.. what the heck!? And I ate at Ruby Tuesday today. Holy cow, it was ridiculously amazing. I am a huge fan of the Boston Bleu burger and the salad bar. Yum yum yum. I have been super happy today and now it's time for bed. :)

Confirmation

What a wonderful day! I presented a case in court and the judge didn't even blink an eye at my recommendations. I had dinner with the Lynches at Greyhound Tavern.. oh my GOD it was delicious. We had a fried chicken family dinner, with mashed potatoes and gravy, green beans, biscuits and onion rings for an appetizer. Then I hung out with them and watched part of a movie and then President Obama's address to Congress. Did anyone else notice Nancy Pelosi and Joe Biden acting like a couple of kids passing notes in class? And Kelly and I went to Graeter's to get ice cream.. wow so good!! Anyone coming to visit me in the future is going with me to Graeter's, end of story.

Now to the really important part.. I got the job I interviewed for at Holly Hill!! I'm very excited! Robert at work told me (second-hand knowledge) that about 80 people applied for this position, and only 6 people got interviews. Apparently I'm kind of a badass or something! And Janet (HR lady) told me the vacation time I planned to take in April shouldn't be a problem! UGH how much better could it get right now!? I better not ask, or the ceiling will come crashing in on my head or something.

Anyways, life is good right now. good good good.

Homeward Bound

The job interview went very well today, I think. I have a good feeling about it. The place just seems more.. me. And so does the position. I'm hoping I get it, but if I don't.. well.. it's just another challenge I feel increasingly more equipped to handle. Anyhow, I'll find out either way next week.

I am really looking forward to my exit interview at work. I definitely have some questions and comments.. >:)

I'm going home this weekend! Hurray! And I'm bringing a million pounds of goetta home with me.. jeez.. But I'm just very excited about seeing Mayfield and Murray again!!

Beautiful sky

I am definitely glad I'm off work for the day. I have been completely useless there the past few days.. I just don't want to do anything. I'm very excited about my interview tomorrow! and I hope this place will be a good fit for, and I for them. There's a lot of wind going on up here, really big gusts, and it's very mild and cloudy out. In other words, great weather. I kinda just want to sit outside and enjoy it.. but I don't have any patio furniture. If I end up staying here, I'm going to have to get some chairs so I can sit on my balcony. I'm kinda sad that I don't have Adam and Amanda up here, because I know they would enjoy the balcony ever so much.

Anyhow, I get to go into work late tomorrow.. definitely a perk!!

Possibilities

So.. I've been thinking about the different paths my life could take right now.

• I might get a job in social work and stay up here.
• I might get a job, not in social work, and stay up here.
• I might get a job somewhere else and move there.
• I might not get a job, move out, stay with the Lynches for a while until I can get back on my feet.
  
• I might not get a job, move home with the parents, find a job there, and pay off my school debt until I can get back on my feet.
• I might not get a job, move home with the parents, find a job there, pay off my school debt until I can get back on my feet, and try to get into grad school at Murray.
• I might not get a job, move home with the parents and... join Americorps this fall.
  

Secondary

Well, things are continuing to go pretty well here in the double-H (Highland Heights, that is).

On Friday, I went out to happy hour with my coworkers and some people from Kenton County. It's amazing how different the atmosphere of each office is, and how much one bad supervisor can ruin a job for someone! But we had a good time at Keystone.. the food was surprisingly delicious. I had some kind of buffalo chicken wrap (anyone who knows me knows I have some crazy fetish for buffalo chicken) and it was great. After that, I went with some work people to see Friday the 13th. Number one, it was decent, I suppose.. definitely not up to par with the originals, but it worked for what it was. Also, I cannot believe that so many parents brought their young kids to the movie! I can't say too much, because I had my parents and grandparents rent the F13th movies for me when I was about 9 or 10, but there were people who had brought like 3 and 4 year olds! Ridiculous!!

Saturday, I went to a benefit for an HIV/AIDS homeless shelter in Cincinnati. It was a lot of fun. I talked a little to the reps from the shelter and they told me to send in my resume! They mentioned something about needing LICENSED social workers, but.. I can get my license, no sweat. I just have to study and take the exam.

Today I hung out with Kelly. It's nice having someone up here to hang out with and talk to. I still definitely miss all my friends from home, but it's still good to have somebody here. For the past few Sundays, I've gone over to the Lynches' house for dinner. It's always a great time. They're sort of like my family away from my family. We have dinner, talk about religion and politics and random goofy stuff, and play games, watch TV.. it's nice. I don't feel as isolated as I did when I first got here.

Definitely looking forward to going home next weekend! I can't wait! :)

On the Up and Up

I have two job interviews coming up! I was supposed to have an interview tomorrow, but I'm going to have to reschedule because I'm a little behind at work. My other interview is next Thursday. I'm super excited about these new opportunities, especially since they kind of go against the doom-and-gloom I've been feeling for a while.

And I get to go into work late tomorrow morning! Niiiiiice.

So.. life is kinda weird right now. Not sure what or how to feel really. I'm just trying to stay positive and hope everything is going good for everyone else too..

Re-Creation.

It's amazing the changes I've had to go through this year. And they keep piling up.

After talking to my mom, I'm considering getting out of the social work field entirely. I'm thinking about going into public relations or something like that. I need a new place to be professionally (obviously). Maybe I'm not so much a helper as I thought. Maybe I just thought I was, and started trying to make myself into one. Either way, Mom said something very smart to me today: "Nathan, all you've done your whole life is school and work. You need to get out in the world and see it and enjoy yourself." And by God, she's right. I've been a worrier my whole life. Now it's time for me to enjoy living. It might take a few extra steps, and it might be hard, but I have to learn how to like life again. So maybe that's why I'm here. I was stuck in a routine, and it took moving to break it. I was wrapping myself up in all these thoughts and beliefs and they were mostly or entirely wrong. Time for me to be something new.

Power

So.. here's just a quick little blog for the evening, because it's awfully late for me.

Something that has limited me a lot lately is depression. It's something I've struggled with for a long time. People close to me have heard me talk about it before (way beyond the point of being interested I'm sure!) but I've been able to manage it one way or another. It was partly medication. I took Lexapro for 2.5 years. Despite the side effects, it mostly worked for me. In 2007, I decided that that medicine wasn't for me anymore and started taking Wellbutrin. I told everyone that it was working for me, but honestly I think I just wanted it to work. I felt nervous, and switched between an emotional wreck and an emotion-less robot. I stopped taking Wellbutrin last summer because I thought I had everything under control.

Well, here I am back at square one, feeling like crap most of the time. It's hard to describe depression to someone who has never experienced it. It's like the longest, cloudy, dismal winter day, and you're out in the cold, lost and alone. Yesterday, after my session with my counselor (yes, I'm seeing a counselor now) I had a moment. Everything just seemed not just okay, but good. I felt so good all of a sudden, like nothing could get me down. It only lasted for a few minutes, but this cloud that's been swirling around my head for the past three months finally subsided for a bit. It was so nice. It wasn't really until that moment that I realized how sucky I have felt. I honestly forgot how to feel good, how to let loose of my worries and just be happy to be alive.

So now, I'm on a mission. I don't care what it takes, but I refuse to let my life be bad. I'm going to be ok. First step: make it to the end of the month. Then, go from there. I'm gonna get back on my meds and get myself stable. Continue my counseling. Get back to being everything I can be.

So, to end on a good note, John Mayer's voice is like listening to a meadow breeze.

Hoping for the best

So I have to admit, I've been a little more religious these days. I guess part of it is my parents' newfound church involvement rubbing off on me. It's also the only way I've been able to keep a handle on things lately. I'm just hoping that me being here in Northern Kentucky is part of God's plan for me, and there's something He wants me to do or experience here. I just hope that whatever He is planning for me here, I happen to stumble upon a great job that pays a ton of money, with awesome benefits and possibly some sweet swag.

I've been telling a few more people at work about my resignation.. more like, they come up to me and say, "I heard you're leaving." To which I reply, "Yes, I am," because I am. Duh. The response I get after that ranges from "Oh my gosh! Why?" to "I wish you wouldn't," to "I don't blame you. Get the hell out while you still can!" I just wish this month would fly by, and by the end of it I would know I had a good job lined up.

I applied to Lighthouse Children's Services and a couple other places. I called Brown Mackie yesterday, trying to get some kind of update on my resume I sent in.. everyone was kind of snotty to me, like "Why are you calling? Ugh." I'm not sure I want to work at a place like that.. but ask me again in a month, and we'll see who's being Mr. Picky Pants.

Welp, it's time for my nightly turn-on-an-episode-of-Buffy and fall-asleep-on-the-couch routine. Jeez, I'm a total lame-o-saurus rex.

Welcome, welcome.

So, here's where I'm going to chronicle my epic struggle to find a job in my new homeland.

Just to give you a little background, in college I signed a contract and enrolled in this program called Public Child Welfare Certification Program. This program practically promised me a job as a social worker, at a higher than normal payrate, for Kentucky state government. They also paid my tuition and gave me stipends for four semesters. I also got to go to weekend training conferences for free.

Sounds like a pretty sweet deal, huh?

After I graduated, I waited about five months and never heard anything. No calls for job interviews, anything. In the meanwhile, I had a stable job that I enjoyed (for the most part). I was at home with my family and friends. I finally e-mailed the PCWCP program administrator, asking if there was a chance that any of us who hadn't been hired would be let out of our contracts. Low and behold the next day I got a call for an interview.

Then I got called for another. And another. And strangely enough, they were all in the same county office. In Campbell County. 300 miles away.

I interviewed the for the four positions: one for foster care, one for recruitment and certification, one for ongoing, one for investigations. I really preferred the jobs in that order. Investigations definitely not my cup of tea, hence it being on the bottom of my list.

The next couple of months I was a nervous wreck, waiting to hear back from my interview. I halfway hoped I would get the job, because I wanted the chance at a good career and just wanted to know what direction my life was taking. I also halfway hoped I didn't get it, because I wanted to stay with my friends and family. I was such a wreck that it affected me at work. It was a bad time at work anyway because of some personnel issues, but I was seriously flipping my gourd. Then I got my phone call.. saying I got the job. For the investigations team.

I had about three weeks to finish work at my job, then move my stuff across the state. So I got this awesome apartment and started my job. The first week was a little scary, because I didn't know anyone, or even how to get to work without my GPS. I got to know the people there, figured out who to turn to for help, the little intricacies that make this office it's own place. I went to the company Christmas party and had a great time.

I started getting cases, and that was alright. I went to mandatory trainings, and that was alright. Then, I got several cases at once, and I started to feel a little overwhelmed. Make that a lot overwhelmed. I had very little idea about what I was doing, and I didn't feel like I was doing a good thing. I got into social work to help people, yet all I felt like I was doing was screwing up and hurting people. Some nights I'd start crying for no reason. I would go to bed (if I could make myself get up and go to bed.. most nights, I would just lay on the couch) at night and lay there, thinking about my cases. Eventually I would fall asleep, and wake up several times during the night. Immediately I was thinking about my cases, and couldn't fall back asleep. Then my alarm would go off, and I would lay there for 10 or 15 more minutes, with a sinking feeling in my guts. I'd have a headache, and get sick to my stomach, and be filled with the most intense sensation of dread and sadness. I realized: I hate my job. Being there made me miserable.

On top of me hating my job, there was a literal natural disaster in my hometown and pretty much my whole state. My parents and friends and family had no electricity, no running water, and no idea when they might get them back. It was at that point I realized I needed to quit my job. That kind of event was stressful, but I pretty much shut down mentally. I could handle having a bad job if I was back home. I can handle having a job I like while I'm here. But I cannot have a job I hate in this place that is so foreign to me, where I'm 300 miles away from everything I know. When a job makes me afraid to go to sleep because I'll have to get up in the morning and go to work, that's when it's time to look for something else.

I turned in my resignation last Friday, giving my boss one month notice. Because of that, I'll have to pay back $15,000 of tuition and stipends. At this point it's worth it. I have to find a job that I enjoy, or at least feel good about doing. I have since applied to several places, including:

Holly Hill
Cincinnati Children's Hospital
St. Joe's Orphanage
Brown Mackie College

and a few other places.

If I don't get hired somewhere by the end of April, I'm going to move home and start over. I'll re-evaluate my life and figure out where to go and what to do, and just pay on my debt.

So that's my life and what's going on. Honestly, I wish I had never moved up here, but I'm trusting that God has some kind of plan for me that I just don't understand right now. I've always been a plan-for-the-worst kind of guy, and missed the but-hope-for-the-best part.

I'll keep this thing updated hopefully and let everyone know what's going on. Or, I'll just keep it for myself.. who knows.