Power

So.. here's just a quick little blog for the evening, because it's awfully late for me.

Something that has limited me a lot lately is depression. It's something I've struggled with for a long time. People close to me have heard me talk about it before (way beyond the point of being interested I'm sure!) but I've been able to manage it one way or another. It was partly medication. I took Lexapro for 2.5 years. Despite the side effects, it mostly worked for me. In 2007, I decided that that medicine wasn't for me anymore and started taking Wellbutrin. I told everyone that it was working for me, but honestly I think I just wanted it to work. I felt nervous, and switched between an emotional wreck and an emotion-less robot. I stopped taking Wellbutrin last summer because I thought I had everything under control.

Well, here I am back at square one, feeling like crap most of the time. It's hard to describe depression to someone who has never experienced it. It's like the longest, cloudy, dismal winter day, and you're out in the cold, lost and alone. Yesterday, after my session with my counselor (yes, I'm seeing a counselor now) I had a moment. Everything just seemed not just okay, but good. I felt so good all of a sudden, like nothing could get me down. It only lasted for a few minutes, but this cloud that's been swirling around my head for the past three months finally subsided for a bit. It was so nice. It wasn't really until that moment that I realized how sucky I have felt. I honestly forgot how to feel good, how to let loose of my worries and just be happy to be alive.

So now, I'm on a mission. I don't care what it takes, but I refuse to let my life be bad. I'm going to be ok. First step: make it to the end of the month. Then, go from there. I'm gonna get back on my meds and get myself stable. Continue my counseling. Get back to being everything I can be.

So, to end on a good note, John Mayer's voice is like listening to a meadow breeze.