Full Circle

Well, I'm back on Lexapro and Vistaril. The two medicines I started out on when I first took mood-altering medictions. I always thought I would never come back to them. Yet here I am, feeling pretty doped up after my first Lexapro in a year and a half. I hope it's all worth it.

backtrack

I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow to discuss my medication. I hate feeling as anxious as I do all the time.. something's gotta give. I've just about decided that I'll give Lexapro another try. I know I bitched and moaned about it forever, but for two years it worked well for me. I gained weight from it, but maybe if I try really hard to monitor my diet, I'll be okay.

In other news, one of my new clients drives me up the wall.

In other other news, my mom, sister and grandma are coming to visit this weekend. I'm definitely ready for that. I would really like to stay home from work today so I can clean, but no dice. I gotta pay the bills.

five by five

I didn't take the Zoloft last night. Today, I feel pretty good. Not all panicky and made out of barbed wire and broken glass. I'm not taking this crap anymore. Going to see the doctor (hopefully tomorrow) to get this straightened out.

My innards are all in a twist

So.. if you know me, you know I've gone back and forth with antidepressants for the past few years. Prozac, Lexapro, Wellbutrin... well, I've tried out a new one: Zoloft. I don't remember why I quit Prozac, but I quit Lexapro because it caused me to gain a ton of weight and I felt like I was developing a tolerance to it. Wellbutrin was good in that it helped me lose that weight, but it also made me a nervous, emotional wreck. Brett can testify to that. I quit Wellbutrin after a while, and took a break. In February, I decided to try something new: Zoloft. When I first took it, it made me feel AWFUL. I felt drawn up inside myself, and I was jittery, sweaty and just felt bad. The word for it is "malaise." I decided I would just try to live without it. At the beginning of this month, I thought I would give it a try again, seeing as I still had the bottle of pills with only a couple missing. The last couple of weeks have been strange. I love my job, I really truly do, but for some reason, I feel so anxious about going to work. Once I get there I'm fine, but it's like I'm hyper-focused on everything I'm supposed to be doing and haven't gotten done. Then I get so stressed out from being so anxious that I just shut down at work, and can't get anything done. The only things I want to do anymore are sit at home and read, and go to the gym. When I'm at the gym, the only thing I think about is making it through my workout. Everything else just falls away. So, I'll stick out this "trial period" that I was supposed to do with the Zoloft, and see if I feel better. If not, I'm going back to the doc and try something new. I just can't do the Lexapro thing again and gain back 20 pounds. I've made a lot of progress on my body and fitness goals, and I won't be set back again. Then again, when I was on Lexapro, I never felt like I have ever since I stopped taking it: nervous, panicky, and reclusive. So.. yeah. I guess it's time for something new. I might go back on the anti-anxiety stuff I was taking in '05--Vistaril. It seemed to help with the anxiety attacks, too.

Take a sick day!

I was at work, listening to my boss talking to one of our foster parents, and my coworker Bree who sits across from me asks, "Nathan, are you okay?" I didn't feel too great, but I figured it was a momentary thing. Next thing I know, I break out in a full-body cold sweat and I feel like I'm about to hurl. I put my head down and start taking slow, deep breaths to keep from vomiting, and Bree tells me to go home, because I "look awful." I told them I'd be fine in a few minutes, but they sent me home (as much out of fear of contagious disease as for my own wellbeing). I looked in the mirror on the way home, and I'm whiter than Michael Jackson, which is saying something because I'm typically pretty brown. When I got home and changed, my clothes smelled like fever-sweat. Yuck.

I'm not sure where this sudden plague of feeling bad came from, but I feel mostly better now. I guess I'll take it easy today. It's just so bizarre.. it was like, one second I was fine, the next I can barely keep my breakfast down. I didn't eat anything weird or bad this morning--my usual cereal, banana, apple, and yogurt. My vitamins make me nauseous sometimes, but usually it's right after (within 10-20 minutes) I take them, and usually only when I've only had a really small breakfast. I had a decent breakfast, and this was nearly 2 hours afterward. It's also never been this intense. So, I don't know what's going on with my body, but I'll just enjoy my sick day off.

in the sunshine

Life is strangely good right now. On the up-and-up. I'm starting to fall into a sort of pattern here in NKY. I like my job, I'm making a few friends (sort of), and everything seems to be working out. I never thought it would, but it is. It's crazy to think I've been here for 7 months now. I'm going to be okay.

... also, either there is something wrong with my TV, or I'm seriously TRIPPING.

Notable Notes

I just have a few things...

First, I really love my job. A ton.
There are interesting things going on in my life...
I think David Boreanaz would be cool to know personally.
I kind of wish I was a superhero.