Bursting and bubbling

Periodically throughout the day, I have this very weird sensation of being nearly overwhelmed by emotion. I'm not sure exactly which emotion--whether it's happiness, sadness, anticipation, worry, the list goes on--but it fills me up and I feel like I'm going to explode with it. Right now, I'm feeling impatient about getting through this workday, going home, wrapping up my last few presents, loading them in the car, eating dinner, going to bed, then going to work tomorrow, wrapping some stuff up, doing a home visit, then hitting the road. Each thing I do I rush through so I can do something else.

I love Christmas and all that comes with it (except the unhealthy food) but all I'm excited about is seeing my family. Then I just want to get back to my normal routine!!

thoughts and theories

It's no secret that I have a wide variety of interests. I mean, heck, just look at the list on my facebook profile. Just do it. It's cool, I'll still be here when you get back.


..you back? You didn't actually look. Gah, what are you good for?

Anyways, it's also no big secret that I'm not on-task at work 100% of the time. I have little research projects that I like to do throughout the day. In the past month or so, I've learned so much about personal fitness and nutrition. I know just enough to be dangerous. But it's totally fun, because I've gained 2.5 pounds in the past 3 weeks, and I'm convinced it's muscle. My shoulders look bigger, chest looks wider, I've grown a pair of horns, and now I'm 6'3" tall. Two of those statements are true.

Wikipedia and I have become very closely acquainted. The other day, I got to thinking about something James said to me the other night about my skin looking yellow. Now, I know I don't hae jaundice, and my kidneys are working fine as far as I know, so I did a little research into yellowish skin. As it turns out, I have a skin color known as "olive," which is common to people near the Mediterranean and the southern parts of Germany. When olive-skinned people don't get much sunlight, their skin takes on a dull yellowish color with a greenish cast. Sexy, no? But I compared my skin to some scale by Von Laschlon or something else that sounds like a sneeze and I match the "olive" or "Mediterranean" skin type. I thought it was pretty cool.

Oh, and I did a little research into the origin of my family name. As it turns out, it's either derived from the German name "Futch," it's derived from the old French "vautre," or "hunter," or it's a dirty slang term from French ("foutre") that has to do with the act of lovemaking. I'm hoping it's the second one, because the idea of coming from a clan of hunters that crossed over to England with William the Conquerer is way cooler than thinking I have the namesake of an explitive.

Once again, I have to just say that I'm one of the most blessed people I know! I have so many awesome people and things in my life right now. Woohoo!

sighs and smiles

Feeling much better this week. Not sure why I was so moody last week, but I had a few pleasant surprises that really turned me around. I have the most amazing people in my life. I'm truly the luckiest guy in the world... or pretty darn close.

It's funny sometimes how sometimes, you look into your past, and when you catch a glimpse of it in the crowd of your memories, the guy has grown a beard and you don't recognize him at all.

That's a metaphor, in case you need an assist there.

Although I have in fact grown a beard. But I'm not a metaphor. I'm a man. With a beard. A literal beard.

...this is going nowhere.

Fidgets and Freaks

Today, I can definitely tell that I'm not at my best. I started having a mini anxiety attack on the way to work this morning. It's just about money.. not that big a deal. I just keep remembering all these expenses I'm going to have. I still have to buy wrapping paper, bows, gift tags, a gift for our gift-exchange at home, money for four nieces and nephews (I forgot til just now that I've already gotten gifts for the other five, thank God), plus supplies to make food for the Christmas party at work and at home. UGH. Money is really tight right now. Most of it is definitely my own fault, being selfish and buying things I didn't need, but wanted. But I guess I'll just have to figure things out.

Also, kind of stressed about work. I know it's the nature of my job, but it's like at least one of my clients has to be in crisis at any given time. I had a nice couple of weeks, but now the proverbial S is hitting the fan.

Ooouuuuugggh.

Feelings and Fears

Let me just put it out there: I hate winter. It's not the snow or the cold, although I could definitely live without the temperature falling below 60. I think it's the light--or rather, the lack thereof--that bothers me. It's cloudy on most days, and by the time I'm off work, the sun is setting or has set. I miss having warm sunshine on my skin. I would love it if Christmas was in the summer. Wasn't Jesus supposedly born in the summer? Let's work on fixing those calendars, okay?

It's usually during the winter and early spring that I start feeling all yucky on the inside. It makes me too introspective. I start having all these negative thoughts and feelings. I start thinking that nothing I do is good enough, that I'm a failure and I'll never amount to anything, my family is going to stop being proud of me, I'll be alone, and I'll never be satisfied with anything in my life. Honestly, if I wasn't on Lexapro right now, I'd probably be a basket case. I definitely was last winter.

I have a lot of good things going on in my life right now. And I have to keep reminding myself of that. Going to the gym makes me feel good and I love my job. I have good people in my life and I need to stop feeling like they're going to abandon me.

In slightly better news, I got my measurements at the gym. Compared them to January. I had some small games and losses in most areas, but I lost 3 inches in my waist and gained 2.5 inches in my shoulders. Pretty happy with that. I'm trying to gain muscle now, so I'm scarfing down calories like it's my job.

shortsweet

I just have to say... I love my life right now. I'm really happy. It's been a while since I've felt this good for such a long time. I've had a couple of not-so-good days, but mostly it was just a waking up on the wrong side of the bed thing. Everything in my life rocks. I just can't believe it. I feel so blessed and lucky.