Confirmation

What a wonderful day! I presented a case in court and the judge didn't even blink an eye at my recommendations. I had dinner with the Lynches at Greyhound Tavern.. oh my GOD it was delicious. We had a fried chicken family dinner, with mashed potatoes and gravy, green beans, biscuits and onion rings for an appetizer. Then I hung out with them and watched part of a movie and then President Obama's address to Congress. Did anyone else notice Nancy Pelosi and Joe Biden acting like a couple of kids passing notes in class? And Kelly and I went to Graeter's to get ice cream.. wow so good!! Anyone coming to visit me in the future is going with me to Graeter's, end of story.

Now to the really important part.. I got the job I interviewed for at Holly Hill!! I'm very excited! Robert at work told me (second-hand knowledge) that about 80 people applied for this position, and only 6 people got interviews. Apparently I'm kind of a badass or something! And Janet (HR lady) told me the vacation time I planned to take in April shouldn't be a problem! UGH how much better could it get right now!? I better not ask, or the ceiling will come crashing in on my head or something.

Anyways, life is good right now. good good good.

Homeward Bound

The job interview went very well today, I think. I have a good feeling about it. The place just seems more.. me. And so does the position. I'm hoping I get it, but if I don't.. well.. it's just another challenge I feel increasingly more equipped to handle. Anyhow, I'll find out either way next week.

I am really looking forward to my exit interview at work. I definitely have some questions and comments.. >:)

I'm going home this weekend! Hurray! And I'm bringing a million pounds of goetta home with me.. jeez.. But I'm just very excited about seeing Mayfield and Murray again!!

Beautiful sky

I am definitely glad I'm off work for the day. I have been completely useless there the past few days.. I just don't want to do anything. I'm very excited about my interview tomorrow! and I hope this place will be a good fit for, and I for them. There's a lot of wind going on up here, really big gusts, and it's very mild and cloudy out. In other words, great weather. I kinda just want to sit outside and enjoy it.. but I don't have any patio furniture. If I end up staying here, I'm going to have to get some chairs so I can sit on my balcony. I'm kinda sad that I don't have Adam and Amanda up here, because I know they would enjoy the balcony ever so much.

Anyhow, I get to go into work late tomorrow.. definitely a perk!!

Possibilities

So.. I've been thinking about the different paths my life could take right now.

• I might get a job in social work and stay up here.
• I might get a job, not in social work, and stay up here.
• I might get a job somewhere else and move there.
• I might not get a job, move out, stay with the Lynches for a while until I can get back on my feet.
  
• I might not get a job, move home with the parents, find a job there, and pay off my school debt until I can get back on my feet.
• I might not get a job, move home with the parents, find a job there, pay off my school debt until I can get back on my feet, and try to get into grad school at Murray.
• I might not get a job, move home with the parents and... join Americorps this fall.
  

Secondary

Well, things are continuing to go pretty well here in the double-H (Highland Heights, that is).

On Friday, I went out to happy hour with my coworkers and some people from Kenton County. It's amazing how different the atmosphere of each office is, and how much one bad supervisor can ruin a job for someone! But we had a good time at Keystone.. the food was surprisingly delicious. I had some kind of buffalo chicken wrap (anyone who knows me knows I have some crazy fetish for buffalo chicken) and it was great. After that, I went with some work people to see Friday the 13th. Number one, it was decent, I suppose.. definitely not up to par with the originals, but it worked for what it was. Also, I cannot believe that so many parents brought their young kids to the movie! I can't say too much, because I had my parents and grandparents rent the F13th movies for me when I was about 9 or 10, but there were people who had brought like 3 and 4 year olds! Ridiculous!!

Saturday, I went to a benefit for an HIV/AIDS homeless shelter in Cincinnati. It was a lot of fun. I talked a little to the reps from the shelter and they told me to send in my resume! They mentioned something about needing LICENSED social workers, but.. I can get my license, no sweat. I just have to study and take the exam.

Today I hung out with Kelly. It's nice having someone up here to hang out with and talk to. I still definitely miss all my friends from home, but it's still good to have somebody here. For the past few Sundays, I've gone over to the Lynches' house for dinner. It's always a great time. They're sort of like my family away from my family. We have dinner, talk about religion and politics and random goofy stuff, and play games, watch TV.. it's nice. I don't feel as isolated as I did when I first got here.

Definitely looking forward to going home next weekend! I can't wait! :)

On the Up and Up

I have two job interviews coming up! I was supposed to have an interview tomorrow, but I'm going to have to reschedule because I'm a little behind at work. My other interview is next Thursday. I'm super excited about these new opportunities, especially since they kind of go against the doom-and-gloom I've been feeling for a while.

And I get to go into work late tomorrow morning! Niiiiiice.

So.. life is kinda weird right now. Not sure what or how to feel really. I'm just trying to stay positive and hope everything is going good for everyone else too..

Re-Creation.

It's amazing the changes I've had to go through this year. And they keep piling up.

After talking to my mom, I'm considering getting out of the social work field entirely. I'm thinking about going into public relations or something like that. I need a new place to be professionally (obviously). Maybe I'm not so much a helper as I thought. Maybe I just thought I was, and started trying to make myself into one. Either way, Mom said something very smart to me today: "Nathan, all you've done your whole life is school and work. You need to get out in the world and see it and enjoy yourself." And by God, she's right. I've been a worrier my whole life. Now it's time for me to enjoy living. It might take a few extra steps, and it might be hard, but I have to learn how to like life again. So maybe that's why I'm here. I was stuck in a routine, and it took moving to break it. I was wrapping myself up in all these thoughts and beliefs and they were mostly or entirely wrong. Time for me to be something new.

Power

So.. here's just a quick little blog for the evening, because it's awfully late for me.

Something that has limited me a lot lately is depression. It's something I've struggled with for a long time. People close to me have heard me talk about it before (way beyond the point of being interested I'm sure!) but I've been able to manage it one way or another. It was partly medication. I took Lexapro for 2.5 years. Despite the side effects, it mostly worked for me. In 2007, I decided that that medicine wasn't for me anymore and started taking Wellbutrin. I told everyone that it was working for me, but honestly I think I just wanted it to work. I felt nervous, and switched between an emotional wreck and an emotion-less robot. I stopped taking Wellbutrin last summer because I thought I had everything under control.

Well, here I am back at square one, feeling like crap most of the time. It's hard to describe depression to someone who has never experienced it. It's like the longest, cloudy, dismal winter day, and you're out in the cold, lost and alone. Yesterday, after my session with my counselor (yes, I'm seeing a counselor now) I had a moment. Everything just seemed not just okay, but good. I felt so good all of a sudden, like nothing could get me down. It only lasted for a few minutes, but this cloud that's been swirling around my head for the past three months finally subsided for a bit. It was so nice. It wasn't really until that moment that I realized how sucky I have felt. I honestly forgot how to feel good, how to let loose of my worries and just be happy to be alive.

So now, I'm on a mission. I don't care what it takes, but I refuse to let my life be bad. I'm going to be ok. First step: make it to the end of the month. Then, go from there. I'm gonna get back on my meds and get myself stable. Continue my counseling. Get back to being everything I can be.

So, to end on a good note, John Mayer's voice is like listening to a meadow breeze.

Hoping for the best

So I have to admit, I've been a little more religious these days. I guess part of it is my parents' newfound church involvement rubbing off on me. It's also the only way I've been able to keep a handle on things lately. I'm just hoping that me being here in Northern Kentucky is part of God's plan for me, and there's something He wants me to do or experience here. I just hope that whatever He is planning for me here, I happen to stumble upon a great job that pays a ton of money, with awesome benefits and possibly some sweet swag.

I've been telling a few more people at work about my resignation.. more like, they come up to me and say, "I heard you're leaving." To which I reply, "Yes, I am," because I am. Duh. The response I get after that ranges from "Oh my gosh! Why?" to "I wish you wouldn't," to "I don't blame you. Get the hell out while you still can!" I just wish this month would fly by, and by the end of it I would know I had a good job lined up.

I applied to Lighthouse Children's Services and a couple other places. I called Brown Mackie yesterday, trying to get some kind of update on my resume I sent in.. everyone was kind of snotty to me, like "Why are you calling? Ugh." I'm not sure I want to work at a place like that.. but ask me again in a month, and we'll see who's being Mr. Picky Pants.

Welp, it's time for my nightly turn-on-an-episode-of-Buffy and fall-asleep-on-the-couch routine. Jeez, I'm a total lame-o-saurus rex.

Welcome, welcome.

So, here's where I'm going to chronicle my epic struggle to find a job in my new homeland.

Just to give you a little background, in college I signed a contract and enrolled in this program called Public Child Welfare Certification Program. This program practically promised me a job as a social worker, at a higher than normal payrate, for Kentucky state government. They also paid my tuition and gave me stipends for four semesters. I also got to go to weekend training conferences for free.

Sounds like a pretty sweet deal, huh?

After I graduated, I waited about five months and never heard anything. No calls for job interviews, anything. In the meanwhile, I had a stable job that I enjoyed (for the most part). I was at home with my family and friends. I finally e-mailed the PCWCP program administrator, asking if there was a chance that any of us who hadn't been hired would be let out of our contracts. Low and behold the next day I got a call for an interview.

Then I got called for another. And another. And strangely enough, they were all in the same county office. In Campbell County. 300 miles away.

I interviewed the for the four positions: one for foster care, one for recruitment and certification, one for ongoing, one for investigations. I really preferred the jobs in that order. Investigations definitely not my cup of tea, hence it being on the bottom of my list.

The next couple of months I was a nervous wreck, waiting to hear back from my interview. I halfway hoped I would get the job, because I wanted the chance at a good career and just wanted to know what direction my life was taking. I also halfway hoped I didn't get it, because I wanted to stay with my friends and family. I was such a wreck that it affected me at work. It was a bad time at work anyway because of some personnel issues, but I was seriously flipping my gourd. Then I got my phone call.. saying I got the job. For the investigations team.

I had about three weeks to finish work at my job, then move my stuff across the state. So I got this awesome apartment and started my job. The first week was a little scary, because I didn't know anyone, or even how to get to work without my GPS. I got to know the people there, figured out who to turn to for help, the little intricacies that make this office it's own place. I went to the company Christmas party and had a great time.

I started getting cases, and that was alright. I went to mandatory trainings, and that was alright. Then, I got several cases at once, and I started to feel a little overwhelmed. Make that a lot overwhelmed. I had very little idea about what I was doing, and I didn't feel like I was doing a good thing. I got into social work to help people, yet all I felt like I was doing was screwing up and hurting people. Some nights I'd start crying for no reason. I would go to bed (if I could make myself get up and go to bed.. most nights, I would just lay on the couch) at night and lay there, thinking about my cases. Eventually I would fall asleep, and wake up several times during the night. Immediately I was thinking about my cases, and couldn't fall back asleep. Then my alarm would go off, and I would lay there for 10 or 15 more minutes, with a sinking feeling in my guts. I'd have a headache, and get sick to my stomach, and be filled with the most intense sensation of dread and sadness. I realized: I hate my job. Being there made me miserable.

On top of me hating my job, there was a literal natural disaster in my hometown and pretty much my whole state. My parents and friends and family had no electricity, no running water, and no idea when they might get them back. It was at that point I realized I needed to quit my job. That kind of event was stressful, but I pretty much shut down mentally. I could handle having a bad job if I was back home. I can handle having a job I like while I'm here. But I cannot have a job I hate in this place that is so foreign to me, where I'm 300 miles away from everything I know. When a job makes me afraid to go to sleep because I'll have to get up in the morning and go to work, that's when it's time to look for something else.

I turned in my resignation last Friday, giving my boss one month notice. Because of that, I'll have to pay back $15,000 of tuition and stipends. At this point it's worth it. I have to find a job that I enjoy, or at least feel good about doing. I have since applied to several places, including:

Holly Hill
Cincinnati Children's Hospital
St. Joe's Orphanage
Brown Mackie College

and a few other places.

If I don't get hired somewhere by the end of April, I'm going to move home and start over. I'll re-evaluate my life and figure out where to go and what to do, and just pay on my debt.

So that's my life and what's going on. Honestly, I wish I had never moved up here, but I'm trusting that God has some kind of plan for me that I just don't understand right now. I've always been a plan-for-the-worst kind of guy, and missed the but-hope-for-the-best part.

I'll keep this thing updated hopefully and let everyone know what's going on. Or, I'll just keep it for myself.. who knows.