The Smaller Things

Although I spent most of the weekend lounging and doing fun, non-taxing things, I apparently brought work home with me. One of my new cases has been on my mind, because I feel really bad for the foster mom. I feel bad for the kid too, because it's a bad fit between the mom's skills and assets the child's needs. I have all this empathy and compassion for people, and all it does is make me feel yucky when I know they're feeling bad.

So today, having had a pretty good day, I'm trying to focus on small things that give me pleasure. For example, the taste of the celery and cauliflower in my salad, having someone great to talk to on the phone, renting a cheesy horror movie from Redbox, and wearing pajama pants and a sweatshirt. It helps me recharge my tired heart and head.

This is relevant to my interests

I was reading through my friend James' blog, and he wrote 20 things that interest him. I guess it's sort of a list of things he enjoys/is interested in. So, here's my narcissistic contribution to the interwebz/blogosphere.

1. Going to the gym
2. Mental health research
3. Cultural anthropology
4. Text messaging
5. iPod Touch (it's seriously amazing)
6. Punk/indie/rock music
7. Nutrition science
8. Anagrams
9. ADHD
10. Facebook
11. Wine and beer
12. Asking "why" questions about food, like, "why aren't there more blue foods?"
13. Introspection
14. Pharmaceuticals
15. Cute, furry animals like cats, rabbits, ferrets, and mice
16. Lucid dreaming
17. Robotics and prosthetics
18. Video games
19. Checking my email
20. Trees

And these are a few of my fav-o-rite things.

Space and Time

Well well well. I've had such a busy month, I haven't had time to update this blog. So, I'll just give a quick recap of the last month:

• I had a very important conversation with my parents that went really well, and really improved the quality of our relationship. It was great.
• I've had many, many visitors! Rachel, Sheloa and Jamie came up for a weekend and we had a blast doing anything and everything, including eating lasagna at 4 AM and drinking absinthe.
• Amanda, Adam and Aiden came to visit me and we went to the Renaissance Festival! It was bitter, bitter cold, but it was so much fun. The turkey legs, bread bowls of soup, warm mead and performers were great, as well as window shopping in all the stalls.
• I went home one weekend and helped my grandma buy a (really cool) computer. I also visited with Denham and Julie, and went to a Halloween party with Amanda, Adam and Aiden. Loads of fun!
• Denham and Julie came up last weekend for Halloween and we had a ball. We went out and enjoyed what the Cinci Metro Area has to offer, including going to a Halloween party at Andy's, eating at Claddaugh's, and going to the USS Nightmare. Oh, and Julie got to meet Beyonce. Not the real one, but pretty darn close.
• I have been at my job for 8 months now. I got my 6-month review, and got Satisfactory or above in all categories. Yippee! I also got an award a LEADER award for enthusiasm, which included a gift card. :) I really love my job. Even though I'm having to pay lots of money for breaking my contract to the state of Kentucky, it's all worth it to work for such an amazing organization with such awesome people.
  
• I bought Dragon Age for the 360 and I'm super excited about it. It's awesome!
• I've continued with my exercise routine, although I've kind of trailed off a bit. But my body fat % has not exceeded 10%, so I'm happy with that!

That's really all. I was supposed to be going to an adoption fair today to advertise for Holly Hill, but the event was cancelled... so here I am on the couch, playing Dragon Age. My life pretty much rocks. :D

Enlightened and Empowered

So, life after a diagnosis and prescription has been interesting. I'm learning so much about ADHD and how it affects literally every aspect of a person's life. It's not just attention or spazziness... there are so many layers and variances and nuances in this disorder. I'm reading "You Mean I'm Not Lazy, Stupid or Crazy?" and it answers so many questions I didn't even know I had. I even have my own fun little label: an ADDult. :D

Taking the Adderall has helped. I feel more focused and motivated and clear-headed. Less static and chatter inside my head. The side effects aren't bad at all, either. It's disrupted my sleep cycle a little bit, but I'm getting the hang of it. The first day was a little rough. I got a headache, but at the same time I felt more in control of my own mind than I ever have. Now that my body is adjusting to the medication, I'm thinking I might need a slightly higher dose (I'm on one of the lowest prescribed doses) but for now everything's easy-peasy. I even cleaned up my desk a little. My supervisor said she was impressed.

Speaking of, I got my work evaluation today. It was mostly Meets Expectations, with a few Exceeds Expectations and one Outstanding. Boss lady says in my next evaluation, I'll have a lot more "Exceeds". I told her that was my goal.

Overall, I'm loving my job. I feel so blessed to have stumbled into such an amazing opportunity with such kind, smart, dedicated and fun people to work with. It's stressful at times, but I definitely don't go home worrying about my job anymore. I don't even mind the overtime.. mostly because I can flex my schedule, which is such a sweet deal. Granted, I'm making a little less than what I hoped, but money isn't even half of everything.

My life is headed in great directions right now. I've reached a new, positive point in my relationship with my parents that I have only, up to this point, dreamed about and hoped for. I'm starting to make roots here in NKY/Cincinnati... and although I miss my friends who are far away, there's a saying written on a piece of card stock in a picture frame mounted in my bedroom: "The road to a friend's house is never long."

Signed and Stamped

So, had my second appointment with Dr. Heck today.

As it turns out, I have a mild case of ADHD. As if I didn't know that... but it's nice to have it on paper. So, I bought a book about adult ADHD today and I plan to read it soon.

...I also bought Volumes 2-4 of the Buffy Season 8 comics. I'm a total nerdball and I love it.

Followup and Followthrough

So I went to my appointment with Dr. Heck. We went through a battery of tests... at the end, he says,

"Well, I don't really know what to do with you. The thing is, you're so bright. You do have some signs of ADHD, but these tests aren't really measuring you the way they're supposed to."

Great, so I'm too smart. But he gave me a take-home test and I have another appointment on the 22nd.

I had a fantastic time this weekend. If only I could put it on repeat.

And! Despite the fact I haven't been to the gym in a couple weeks, when I went back today, I measured my body fat percentage again. I'm ringing in at 7.1%! Woohoo!

Stimulate and Substantiate

Tomorrow is my first appointment with Dr. Heck. I'm going to be assessed for ADHD.

Everyone assumes that I don't have it. I've been successful so far, haven't I?

I think if anyone spent any time inside my head, they'd run away screaming. It's like 25 TV's are turned on inside my head, all at the same time, all on different channels.

My thoughts bounce all over the place like a rubber ball in a tiny box being shaken by an angry child.

My desk is a mess. I have no organizational skills. I forget appointments. I'm constantly running late. I procrastinate with everything.

I always made it through school one way or another.. understanding and lenient teachers and otherwise excellent work helped my grades stay up. But my resources and ability to compensate aren't matching up to the demands of my job and my life anymore.

I just wish I could get someone to understand what it's like inside my brain.

I guess that's why I'm going to see Dr. Heck tomorrow. Maybe it's ADHD that has been at the root of all my low self-esteem and depression all along.